Why Some People Ask Questions Which Are None Of Their Business – Forbes

Have you felt triggered by the types of questions people are asking? Does it make you feel uncomfortable or perhaps invaded? There are underlying reasons why a person feels at liberty to ask you these questions.

Dr. Abe Bartell, Division Chief of Child & Adolescents Psychiatry at Westchester Medical Center, helps break down the root causes of these invasive questions and offers some valuable tactics to combat such situations which may cause you discomfort.

The asker – why do they ask?  

“There are three reasons why someone would start asking these questions,” shares Dr. Bartell. “They could be healthy and appropriate, unintended but uncomfortable, or pathological.”

Healthy and appropriate

A healthy and appropriate reason for asking these questions would include:

1. Someone who genuinely cares;
2. Someone who wants to connect; 
3. Someone who wants to help.

These are the more delightful conversations where you feel seen and heard.

Unintended but uncomfortable

Your conversation partner could quickly make you want to end the conversation and run for the hills. Your asker could be doing this due to various reasons, including:

1. Nosy
2. Rebellious – They know it is wrong or uncomfortable but do it anyway for the shock value and rebel against social norms.
3. Clueless – They are truly unaware it is inappropriate to ask the question(s) or behave that way.
4. Opinionated

Potentially or actually pathological

1. Revenge – At some point, they have been made to feel angry or anxious and want to make others squirm. They want you to know how they felt.
2. Projecting insecurity. 
3. Jealousy.
4. They are asserting power or control superiority.
5. Been there done that; They over-identify with the experience of the aggressor with whom they interacted.

The askee – Why does it make me feel uncomfortable?

When someone goes too far and asks too many interrogating questions, it can make you feel uncomfortable. Dr. Bartell shares two reasons for why this might be happening.  The questions are either healthy and appropriate or pathological.

Healthy & appropriate

1. Privacy – Sometimes, we just do not wish to reveal things.
2. Inexperienced or young resulting in generational communication differences. In addition,  limited social experiences may result in perceived communication faux pas, which does not mirror reality.
3. Unhealthy – The person may be tapping into a locus of insecurity, shame, or conflict. This may be due to an unhealthy family dynamic, inability to comply with social norms, religious or political issues.

How to respond

Dr. Bartell suggests seven different options for dealing with an obtrusive conversation partner: 

1. Be vague or without directly answering the question.
2. Set a limit or boundary politely.
3. Ignore the question and change the subject. 
4. Use long silent strategic pauses or active listening, including repeating and reinstating the question.
5. Confront or call out the asker.
6. Use humor to deflect.
7. Turn it around “Oh, but enough about me, how about you?”  or “You don’t want to talk about me it’s boring, or “There is not much to say, but you, on the other hand….”

How you respond to your conversation partner depends on the attributes and personality of the asker, the askee, the situation, and setting. Many points play a crucial part in determining the reason for their questions. This includes the relationship to and with the asker and the underlying reason that causes them to ask such questions that are perceived as or feel like an interrogation,

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